I have just concluded a 14-day work week (and this 14th day on only three hours of sleep). I have also consumed nearly an entire bottle of wine in a surprisingly successful attempt to stay awake and make it to the final table in Katitude’s Friday Night Rebuy Madness.
I am nearly incoherent.
I do not approve this post.
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Not long after I saw Cloverfield, I was in the stu stu studio by myself doing some retakes when I distinctly heard Godzilla stomping about outside. When I asked everyone I knew in town about this later, to my extreme disappointment, nobody else heard him.
Only me.
BUT!
I found the out-takes from that session today. If you put on headphones and crank the volume for these unprocessed .wav files, you too can hear the giant lizard’s footsteps (and hear me say the F word twice).
Cloverfield 1
Cloverfield 2
Cloverfield 3
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Speaking of Cloverfield. If it were the cast of Juno getting chomped by a monster, I might have been upset, but I couldn’t WAIT for the kids of Cloverfield to be devoured. In fact, I would have preferred their demise to have occurred aboard the movie-boat Titanic as it was sinking.
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Speaking of Juno, I’d sacrifice the entire cast of Juno to the Cloverfield monster in order to save just two, any two, of the cast members of Ghost World.
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Speaking of Ghost World, why didn’t that film garner as much attention as Juno? (If you mention the Juno soundtrack or Kimya Dawson while responding to this question, I might have to imagine punching you in the throat.)
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Changing the subject entirely, here is a training session for you.
Getting the Most Out of Valentines Day
After completing this lesson, you should be able to get the most out of Valentines Day.
Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14th. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their affection for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers or offering chocolates. Because this holiday only lasts for one calendar day each year, most establishments drop the price of their chocolates by 50% on February 15th. These lonely, heart-shaped rejects adorn the shelves of every CVS and Walgreens for miles around.
In this example, you will find and purchase at least ten point five ounces of vanilla creams, mocha centers and peanut butter crispy things for up to 50% off regular price.
Try it out!
1. Locate your nearest chain pharmacy or drug store.
2. Enter it (during business hours, LOL).
3. Ask a friendly associate to direct you to the candy aisle.
4. Peruse the cornucopia of 50%-off confections.
5. Make your selection wisely.
POWER TIP: Check the price per ounce ratio. Some brands, such as Lindt and Godiva actually offer a better price per ounce than traditionally cheaper brands, like Russell Stovers.
6. Present your selection at check out and pay for it.
POWER TIP: If you combine your purchase with a Hallmark card, cold medicine or feminine supplies, in your mind, you’ll feel less like a loser.
7. Return home and enjoy with a bottle of wine and a poker tournament on Full Tilt Poker. Where the Pros Play.
As you can see, with a little bit of research, it’s easy to enjoy the benefits of Valentine’s Day!
Now that you’ve completed this lesson, you should be able to get the most out of Valentine’s day. Test your knowledge by taking this short quiz.
Multiple Choice
Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on:
A. February 12th
B. February 14th
C. February 16th
D. February 18th
The correct answer is B. Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14th.
True/False
Some brands, like Lindt and Godiva actually offer a better price per ounce ratio than traditionally cheaper brands, like Russell Stovers.
The correct answer is TRUE. It is TRUE that you have won my heart by reading this entire post. Will you be my one-day-late Valentine?
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P.S. Did you listen to those .wav files? What the fuck IS that?