sheverb

Pauly’s latest edition of Truckin’ has arrived. 72nd issue, wowee!

1. Sundays by Paul McGuire
I held four crappy jobs and had to work on Sundays at an art museum. Most of the time, I got baked in the parking lot and just stood around making sure the post-church and post-brunch crowd kept their grubby mitts off the paintings… More

2. Prison Justice by Dr. Chako
Hateem’s crime must have been grave. They broke his ankles and elbows, of course. What happened next is beyond human understanding. At least five executioners must be involved. After the arms and legs, you’d think Hateem’s spirit would be broken, but you’d be wrong. They must be swift. From the time the gag comes out, the screaming must be intolerable… More

3. Egotistical: Three Examples by Sean Lovelace
The radio was playing angry girl bands. I love and have always loved angry girl bands. They have what I call fuck you. Also I was waiting on a girl. A cute bra-less girl who would soon leap off a balcony… More

4. High School Reunion by Johnny Hughes
He kept asking me if I remembered people which I didn’t, but he told me all about them anyway. No one would ever forget Bobby, especially me. Now the most mellow guy in West Texas had a license to carry a hand gun… More

5. Ode to…. by Dusty Rhodes
Death is natural. We will all die and we will all have friends and family that die. It is a hard thing to deal with but it has to be done. People cry, people act strong, people try to empathize but can’t truly understand what it is that you are going through. Our experiences are all different but I can’t imagine anyone who likes dealing with these things… More

Sleepers wake! Upon what do you sleep?
(Apologies to the long dead Bach. Not even close to a reasonable translation.)

I’m in the market for a new bed and am leaning towards a Simmons Beautyrest Classic Pillowtop. In stores, it feels similar to The Marriott Bed (by Jamison) and the Westin Heavenly Bed (by Simmons). I’ve had great sleeps on both and with a little research, I’m pretty sure I can avoid considerable branding and shipping costs if I purchase the bed from a local retailer under its made-up-mattress-scam-name instead of a hotel chain.

My problem lies in what the rest of my research uncovered. The Simmons World Class model, one above the Classic, gets supremely crappy reviews all over the internet. Though it’s not the same bed I’m considering, the reviews are unnerving. There are loads of complaints about divots forming in the bed within two to three years (some showing up as early as six months of use) and there are many complaints about the company as well. Specifically, some say the quality of Simmons craftsmanship has declined over the years and the newer beds just don’t hold up.

My dear three invisible internet friends, have any of you purchased a Simmons Beautyrest Classic within the last few years? Or know of someone who did? Perhaps you could post this question to your favorite internet chat board for me. I’ve found very few reviews on this particular model.

This gamer-guy I work with refuses to play Guitar Hero. He has nearly every console ever built and access to nearly every computer/video game ever invented.

But he won’t play Guitar Hero.

He says he would rather spend his time playing real guitar than sully the experience with a “game”. Those are my words and my ironic quotes, not his. He was far more eloquent (and entirely convincing) about the merits of playing a real instrument as opposed to a cheapened, overly-marketed imitation. I believe him and my time spent playing it has caused me great shame. But these are also my words: I’ll bet he doesn’t pick up that real guitar very often.

I fear he reads this site, so I shall say no more. Except for this: Kidding! I’m going to hack out some Lucinda Williams on my Alvarez right now and not have a total blast trying to beat Lou on Hard! Enjoy Okami!

When not feeling guilty, I’m pretty happy playing my glorified version of Simon, despite the fact the last thing I look like I’m doing is playing guitar. I stand stick straight, feet aligned with shoulders (thank you long-ago golf lessons), and I barely move. For me, it’s not about fake-playing an instrument, it’s about hitting the right buttons at the right time.

In the dorkiest fashion imaginable.

Best game ever.

P.S.
Obama needs to perform a Hillarectomy. And fast.

[Update: When I wrote that at around 7:30, I offered an over/under bet to my friend BG regarding when the results of the PA primary would be in. I allowed him to place the line and he opted for 9:19 p.m. EST. I immediately took the under and would have done the same had he placed it as early as 8:30. At 8:49 CNN called it for Hillary. Thank the pretty heavens BG was so generous with the media’s time. Lord knows they have nothing better to do.]

P.P.S.
I would have preferred to see HBO create a miniseries around David McCullough’s 1776 rather than John Adams. Or maybe not. Maybe I would have just preferred HBO’s production company cast someone other than an exceptionally wormy version of Paul Giamatti as Adams. And what is with those gratuitous five-second rotting teeth shots in every episode? Either teeth are falling out of everyone’s heads in the 18th century or not. Have your actors wear their dental appliances for the entire filming, not just during the one moment they are laughing. The effect is more contrived than Laura Linney earnestly channeling Abigail Adams’ savvy political insight.

P.P.P.S.
I love Laura Linney. I don’t blame her performance on poor casting, I blame it on poor writing.

P.P.P.P.S.
There are entirely too many postscripts in this post. Should you have read all this way, I am rewarding your grand effort with photographic evidence of my day (yeah, like that’s a prize), some dead plants, living pets and inherited porch furniture.

Here are some things you should never do.

Even if it’s in your nature, don’t spend a Friday night thinking it’s a good idea to not have dinner, but instead drink wine and listen to jazz your not so invisible internet friend Tony sent you, then get hungry and run out for sushi. If you decide to do that, please don’t bring the sushi home and eat it at the counter without sitting down. And seriously, if you’d rather not heed that advice, please do one thing for me. Never EVER decide it’s a good idea to do stuff while you’re just standing there… eating.

Like empty the trash.

With a mouthful of sushi.

Just don’t.

Next, don’t play online poker while mad. Or sad. Or while feeling any kind of emotion whatsoever. Don’t play online poker while drinking a glass or two of wine, or several cheap beers from a can, or even whisky straight from the bottle. Though seemingly an impossible task, only play online poker while wide awake, centered, sober and confident. Do not chat on your internet machine while playing online poker, it might distract you and cause you to inappropriately fold. Do not read poker blogs while playing online poker, it might infuriate you and cause you to inappropriately raise. Do not stay up late, get bored, and do a google image search on something like “manson tate folger sebring” while playing online poker. The results of such a venture could very well cause you to frantically click the close button on your browser and you just might fold quads by mistake to a certain person who goes by the name of Daddy.

The search AND the fold will put you on tilt for at least three weeks and five days.

Don’t encourage your cat to drink from your glass. It might seem cute at the moment, especially if your camera is handy.

But once you let this sort of thing slide, everything is fair game.

Including your wine.

A situation for which you most assuredly will not have your camera handy.

Not so cute.

Finally (and I don’t care how much replacement wine you poured because the cat touched it), never EVER send a picture of your shaggy, greying hippy hair to the Internet. It doesn’t matter if your follicles recovered from some sort of sleeping event that made it look like half your hair fell out several years ago and you are now measuring your human worth in inches like a teenaged boy.

Just don’t do it.

As you can plainly see, your shame AND your split ends will be obvious.

There will be regrets.

In conclusion, unless you plan on doing something interesting like get an education, or travel, or grow spiritually, emotionally or intellectually in any manner, do not start a website and then update it for nearly ten years. You will certainly feel like a colossal ignoramus when you find yourself in your 40’s, randomly clicking back into your archives, wondering what in the ever-fucking world did you DO with your life.

(Although if you are lucky, you might be slightly relieved to find you do not have children to witness such a travesty.)

P.S. Watch your serial commas.

Hearts of Space is not 25 years old. I did not have a college radio show 19 years ago at CCSU that shamefully ripped them off called “3,000 Atmospheres”, and I never EVER went by the name of Sky.

Not ever.

Just so you know.

On March 30th of last year I was monkeying around with the guts of my WordPress installation and completely screwed it up. Everything on the back end was still there, but I never bothered to seriously look into how to get the index.php file back in working order. Since then, I’ve been hand coding pages and as a ridiculous redundancy, copying those entries into the WordPress interface in order to appease the RSS gods.

That extra work paid off today when I restored the .php file and found the entire year’s worth of entries intact. Yay for me and boo for your brain cells.

Now I just have to do something about updating the links to the right and changing this god awful orange layout. Seriously. What was I thinking?

Since it took me a year to make a very simple edit to the .php file, I imagine it will take two years to do anything about housekeeping here, what with all the Guitar Hero and poker getting in my way.

Thanks to Al, Don, Hoyazo, Chad, and Mookie, the BBT is back!

Blogger Big Game
No-Limit Hold ‘em, Double Stack
$69 + 6 (or a Tier II Token)
First Sunday of the month at 21:30 ET
Password: donkey

Monday’s at the Hoy
No-Limit Hold ‘em, Double Stack
$24 + 2
Every Monday at 22:00 ET
Password: hammer

Blogger Skill Series
Weekly Mixed Game, Double Stack + Knockout
$12 + 1
Every Tuesday at 21:30 ET
Password: skillz

The Mookie
No-Limit Hold ‘em, Double Stack
$10 + 1
Every Wednesday at 22:00 ET
Password: vegas1

Riverchasers Online Tour
No-Limit Hold ‘em, Double Stack
$10+1
Every Thursday at 21:00 ET
Password: riverchasers

Have I really repaired WordPress? I just need to click “Publish” to find out. Wish me luck! Eeee!

I have just concluded a 14-day work week (and this 14th day on only three hours of sleep). I have also consumed nearly an entire bottle of wine in a surprisingly successful attempt to stay awake and make it to the final table in Katitude’s Friday Night Rebuy Madness. 

I am nearly incoherent.

I do not approve this post.

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Not long after I saw Cloverfield, I was in the stu stu studio by myself doing some retakes when I distinctly heard Godzilla stomping about outside. When I asked everyone I knew in town about this later, to my extreme disappointment, nobody else heard him. 

Only me. 

BUT!

I found the out-takes from that session today. If you put on headphones and crank the volume for these unprocessed .wav files, you too can hear the giant lizard’s footsteps (and hear me say the F word twice).

Cloverfield 1

Cloverfield 2

Cloverfield 3

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Speaking of Cloverfield. If it were the cast of Juno getting chomped by a monster, I might have been upset, but I couldn’t WAIT for the kids of Cloverfield to be devoured. In fact, I would have preferred their demise to have occurred aboard the movie-boat Titanic as it was sinking.

———————————

Speaking of Juno, I’d sacrifice the entire cast of Juno to the Cloverfield monster in order to save just two, any two, of the cast members of Ghost World.

 ———————————-

Speaking of Ghost World, why didn’t that film garner as much attention as Juno? (If you mention the Juno soundtrack or Kimya Dawson while responding to this question, I might have to imagine punching you in the throat.)

———————————-

Changing the subject entirely, here is a training session for you. 

Getting the Most Out of Valentines Day

After completing this lesson, you should be able to get the most out of Valentines Day.

Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14th. It is the traditional day on which lovers express their affection for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers or offering chocolates. Because this holiday only lasts for one calendar day each year, most establishments drop the price of their chocolates by 50% on February 15th. These lonely, heart-shaped rejects adorn the shelves of every CVS and Walgreens for miles around. 

In this example, you will find and purchase at least ten point five ounces of vanilla creams, mocha centers and peanut butter crispy things for up to 50% off regular price. 

Try it out! 

1. Locate your nearest chain pharmacy or drug store. 

2. Enter it (during business hours, LOL). 

3. Ask a friendly associate to direct you to the candy aisle. 

4. Peruse the cornucopia of 50%-off confections.

5. Make your selection wisely.

POWER TIP: Check the price per ounce ratio. Some brands, such as Lindt and Godiva actually offer a better price per ounce than traditionally cheaper brands, like Russell Stovers.

6. Present your selection at check out and pay for it.

POWER TIP: If you combine your purchase with a Hallmark card, cold medicine or feminine supplies, in your mind, you’ll feel less like a loser.

7. Return home and enjoy with a bottle of wine and a poker tournament on Full Tilt Poker. Where the Pros Play.

As you can see, with a little bit of research, it’s easy to enjoy the benefits of Valentine’s Day!

Now that you’ve completed this lesson, you should be able to get the most out of Valentine’s day. Test your knowledge by taking this short quiz.

Multiple Choice
Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on:

A. February 12th
B. February 14th 
C. February 16th
D. February 18th

The correct answer is B. Valentine’s Day is a holiday celebrated on February 14th.

True/False
Some brands, like Lindt and Godiva actually offer a better price per ounce ratio than traditionally cheaper brands, like Russell Stovers.

The correct answer is TRUE. It is TRUE that you have won my heart by reading this entire post. Will you be my one-day-late Valentine?

————————–

P.S. Did you listen to those .wav files? What the fuck IS that?

Not really.

It’s true.

I do not have soul, nor am I a soldier.

I’m just a girl (woman?) cleaning her bathroom while listening to Hot Fuss on a Tuesday night and wondering how to resolve an impossible internet problem.

And I need assistance.

If you know anything about WordPress, and how to restore a deleted index page, AND do not wish to betray your country, email me at once.

I can be reached at ilovemycountry at sheverb dot com.

Please note: If you are an enemy of your country, I am aware of this.

I know that you’ll likely ignore my plea and betray your country.

You may even mock me.

To you, all I have to say is . . .

Shame on you.

Shame on you.

Saw this on Saturday night while knee deep in the flu. If you care about such things, you’ve likely seen it by now. But just in case . . .

RSS feed readers, click through for the video.